Suffering from anxiety is not easy. There are a lot of things in my mind that keeps me dysfunctional. People often say that it is just a low-grade fear. But for me, it is never like that. It creates edginess in my life. It makes me so dreadful. But recently, I realized that it is not about the idea that I am anxious that stops me from doing what I have to do. Instead, it is the condition’s continual threat to my mental health.
What I Feel
I believe with Dr. Dolores Malaspina, a professor of psychiatry and child psychiatry’s explanation. “A first episode of depression or anxiety often accompanies a stressor.” With my anxiety, things are different. Sunny days become the interlude of my life, and the main focus is the fear which I don’t know where the heck comes from. I can’t relax, I can’t feel okay, and I can’t stop thinking about anything. I feel like I appear trapped in a situation where all I can see is problems without solutions. There is a constant worry, suspicions, doubt, and inconsistent life-decisions. Yes, I know I need help. I am very much open to seeking a bit of advice from a professional mental health expert. However, the problem is, even the idea of having a conversation with a stranger brings a ten times fold of anxiety. There is this cloud in my head that always tells me that I will never get better. With that, things are swirling all around me.
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What I hate about this mental condition is its capability to ruin my life in an instant. It creates a disproportional balance in my social life and personality growth. I can’t think. I can’t concentrate, and I can’t find a way to make myself better. What is worse is Ronald Kessler, Ph.D.‘s explanation. “Anxiety disorders increase the risk of adult disorders, including future anxiety as well as depression, substance use disorders, and suicide.” I understand that I should try my best to bring the courage of me wanting to recover. However, I just can’t. I feel so attached to these big heaps of “what ifs.” The uncertainties are buildup on top of each other.
What Others See
I understand how people judge me because I know I am feeling a little different. Some say I’m weird for liking this, and there goes I don’t. Others think that I am overacting or something, and that’s fine. I respect how they see me outside because I get the potential to use that criticism and judgment to help myself. Although truthfully, it does hurt quite a lot. What others don’t see is that I never want this mental condition. I never signed up for this, and I am not happy that it is ruining my decisions, relationships, as well as my whole life. I want this out.
Being anxious all the time made me realize that there are so many things going on in life that do not apply to everybody. As Allen Elkin, Ph.D. used to say, “We don’t always have control over what happens to us.” I understand that the only way for me to recover is to help myself. I also know that the mental condition requires immediate treatment. However, I am just too scared to try. I am afraid that instead of getting better, things will get worse. I am anxious about nothing because “nothing” is genuinely scary.